What? Me Worry?
Hey y’all. The Queen of Disasterizing here. My business partner and friend called me that and we’ve been using the term ever since. My hubby told me once, that I could make a lot of money if I could get paid for worrying for other people. It’s one of my greatest talents!
Anxiety, worry, guilt and depression go hand in hand and make a toxic soup. And I find, at this stage of life, if you don’t live with intent and some tools, it can all get the better of you. And if there’s one thing we are not good at dealing with, as a society, it’s uncertainty. Especially with the world these days! An unknowable future can make us anxious and easily overwhelmed.
I lived most of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when the unthinkable really happened, it was like confirmation that I was right to worry. It was the opposite of what I should’ve been thinking - which is, “the worst has happened, nothing else can ever be that bad.” True dat. But that’s what depression does to the mind - the worst possibilities get stuck on a loop.
Depression is a very selfish disease - you are focused on yourself 24/7. It’s all about how bad things are for you. You get lost inside yourself and you miss what’s really happening around you. You are living inside your head way too much and listening to that inner voice.
And there’s a lot of misplaced guilt. Because everything revolves around you, in your head, if something bad happens, surely it was your fault. If someone is mad at you or doesn’t call you anymore, surely you’ve done something wrong. It never occurs to you that these things probably have nothing to do with you! And even if that does occur to you, your inner voices tells you that it’s not so. We are so good at accepting fault that we do it without even noticing. And when the unthinkable happens, the “if only’s” are accompanied with huge amounts of guilt.
Guilt is an overwhelming emotion - it colors our thinking, our actions and reactions. We take responsibility for things that have nothing to do with us. But people with anxiety and depression, usually have huge amounts of misplaced guilt and because of this, we become more depressed and worried. We believe ourselves to be responsible for our now and worry that we must do everything possible to protect, or fix our future. If we have had a loss, any type of loss, we may feel that it is because of what we did or did not do, think, or believe.
Again - it’s our fault. Whenever we screw up, it has far reaching consequences. More guilt. More worry about the past, the present and the future. We beat ourselves up for the past and ruminate about the future. And the voice in our head is often critical and unforgiving - not understanding and accepting.
Will things go well for me? Or will more traumatic things happen? I mean, if the worst has already happened, then it’s not out of the realm of possibility. It happened once, it can happen again. Oh my gosh, who’s going to take care of me? I’ll end up staring at the wall in some horrible place. I’ll be old with no children and all my friends will be with their children. I will be the old lady that people have to include.”
See what I mean? Disasterizing. I’m good at it.
What are some tools to combat this?
Well, self-compassion for one! (see post on Loving Yourself ) Forgive yourself. Give yourself a break.
Also, humor - lots more laughter reduces stress and anxiety.
Drink water! Did you know that dehydration is linked to anxiety!?
Right brained creative activities are great for taking you out of your head - reading and writing, coloring, drawing and painting (furniture counts).
And then there are my favorites - gardening and travel! Anything that cultivates a sense of presence.
Being pro-active with your mental health is a good thing. You are the greatest project of your life! You should never stop working on you - you will never be “finished”.
I propose the best answer really is mindfulness. I know - you’ve heard it before. But it really makes sense. Many of us rarely are in the moment because we’re too busy being sad about the past or worrying about the future. Eastern philosophers have long said this is a terrible way to live, but in this day and age, we have a really hard time focusing on the here and now. If you just concentrate on today, you’re not worrying about the “horrible things that lie around the corner”.
Mindfulness refers to bringing oneself’s complete attention to the present on a moment-to-moment basis. (Very hard for us anxious types.) It also involves being non-judgmental of yourself. Mindfulness is really powerful in dealing with anxiety and depression. When you practice mindfulness, you can change your brain patterns. You can step back and become the observers of those patterns of negative thoughts and make new patterns. It’s a way to manage those thoughts.
“We all have our challenges - life is hard, we get older, our families get older, and you know there are things you are going to have to face. You want to do it with grace, and an attitude of gratefulness.” Mindfulness practice may help you not be so hard on yourself. “You treat yourself with kindness, you don’t judge the things you wish you had done differently.”
Meditation is one way to achieve mindfulness, and yoga is another. Like I posted recently, I love to color - my mind does not wander. I find that when I do things like that regularly, I do better at regulating myself and dealing with stressful, scary scenarios. Another way to mindfulness is to have a calming presence that brings you back to the present. Mine is my husband, Chip.
(…these are my comments based on materials I received at my grief therapist’s office, including an article in the RTD, by Tammie Smith, several years old, from which the quotes were taken.)
Let’s feed the first one and not consume ourselves with worry about what might happen, missing out on what IS happening!
Enough disasterizing…
'“I am the observer of my thoughts, I am not my thoughts…” Jewel