Grief Myths & Lessons Learned
Did Mother’s Day dredge up feelings of loss for you?
For lots of us, these special days are bittersweet. And for some, I guess they are just downright tough! Many times, you feel out of sorts or sad beforehand, but are not sure why. And THEN you realize, oh yeah, it’s fillintheholiday… It’s like your body knows before you do. And our culture is somewhat “grief averse”, so that doesn’t help. (You’re not supposed to be sad on happy days.)
I hope your day was special with smooth sailing and happy times with special people!
I am talking today about grief myths and lessons I learned after loss. Even if this doesn’t apply to you, you might learn something that will help someone you love on days like this. Or really any time.
Here are some common Myths About Grief that you may have been told are true.
These can make someones’ grief even more difficult! Friends and family can have unrealistic expectations about someone’s grief because of these myths. This is not a comprehensive list, and just because they are not universally true, doesn’t mean they aren’t true for someone at sometime.
Grief has an endpoint. At some point, they are done. Sorry folks, it’s forever. Doesn’t mean it’s a terrible thing. Just means it will always be there, and that’s ok.
There is a consistent and predictable timeline. Nope. People are all over the place and return to some stages over and over.
The first year is the worst. It’s definitely the most raw. But my second year was worse.
Time heals all wounds. Don’t. Ever. Say. That. I’m begging you.
You recover from grief like you do with an illness. It gets better and better until it finally goes away. Like I said above, no predictable timeline. And it isn’t an illness - you don’t “recover”.
They’re stuck if they: are still talking about their person/situation, they still show pictures of them, they haven’t gotten rid of all belongings, they still cry when talking about them, after so many years. Ridiculous.
Women grieve more than men and men don’t want to talk about their grief.
You can only grieve a death. Wrong. You can grieve a situation, a way of life, a marriage or family. More importantly, you can grieve a person that is not dead, but is not here - alzhiemer’s, mental illness, traumatic injury can all change a loved one until they are unrecognizable.
You can’t grieve something you never had. Sure you can. You can grieve the fact that you can’t get pregnant and will never have children of you own, or that you had a miscarriage or that you will never have grandchildren. If these facts are attached to a death, they are called “invisible or secondary losses”.
Their friends and family will be their best support. Not necessarily.
If they can’t cry, they aren’t grieving. Some of us are criers and some of us aren’t.
Grieving is a problem. No it’s a natural reaction to a loss. Just because it’s painful, doesn’t mean we should avoid it.
The goal of grief is to move on, get over it, or find closure. Ahh, the myth of closure. We learn to carry it with us.
This grief is worse than that grief. No, they all suck.
Children don’t grieve, should not attend funerals and are resilient and you don’t need to worry about them. They DO grieve, they SHOULD attend funerals, and yes they are resilient, but you should give them the attention you would anyone who suffers a death.
You grieve less when you know that someone is going to die, when they lived a long life, or if they were suffering.
When someone dies by suicide, it’s because they were selfish and it’s their fault.
Everyone who grieves is helped by the same thing. Nope - something that helps me might be very upsetting to my friend who also grieves.
If someone looks ok and seems ok, they are ok. Remember these lyrics “…puts on the face that she keeps in a jar by the door….”
After you lose a spouse, you must start dating after a year or two, or you are stuck.
After the death of a child, having another one, lessons your grief.
Grief is the same thing as sadness, or depression. Grief is a single emotion. Wrong, wrong and wrong.
Once someone dies, you can no longer have a relationship with them. No, it’s just different.
If they have faith in God, it will lesson their grief. That one requires its’ own post.
Grief is a transformative experience that will make you a better person. Well, yeah, that’s true many times. It has been for me. But it doesn’t happen for everyone and we would just as soon someone not have to die to make us a better person. Just sayin.
God never gives us more than we can handle. Please. Don’t. Ever. Say. That.
Eventually you will stop noticing and/or be affected by grief triggers. Not so. Ten years later, things can be very triggering. Things people say, scenes in movies, etc etc.
Here are some Lessons I Learned from Loss…
I just tell it like I see it.
Your old life is never coming back. No, not even 10%. Life will just never be the same and that’s that. The sooner you realize and accept this, the better. If you still try to see things the way they were, you get frustrated with yourself and you fail at it. The key is to grieve the life you’ve lost and start to build a new one. And it’s ok. Remember this post?
A part of you will always be alone. No matter how much you rebuild and how happy you are, there will always be this loneliness. You just learn to live with that. Someone that was a big part of your life is gone and most of the time there is nothing to fill that gap. It’s hard at first, but it’s ok.
You are not the only one. There are millions of people that have been through what you’ve been through, in some way. And some have loss after loss. You have to learn how to reenter life, and get ready for anything else that may come. Because the more people you love, the more losses you will have. But that should never ever stop you from loving. And it’s ok.
You have to let little things give you joy. You have to be grateful for things like a new blouse or a great tv show. A beautiful sky or a sunny day. Your favorite song or your favorite pup. A smile from your colleague. You finally grew a dahlia. You can’t depend on huge joyous things, because they may or may not come your way. But little things always do and you have to love them.
You can’t be afraid to fail. You will have failures, but you have gone through much worse. Don’t be afraid of the things that most people are afraid of - you have gone through the unthinkable. And really, failure is only learning. Sometimes failure is the best thing that could happen. You might fail and you will get your heart broken again. But you can handle it.
👉🏼The information for today’s post came from notes that I took from a 2016 article on Second Firsts, and information I was given by my grief therapist, originally from What’s Your Grief?