Friendships As We Age | Mixed Metals
“Make New Friends but Keep the Old.
One is silver and the other is gold.”
There are so many different kinds of friends. The old and the new, the BFF’s and the friendly neighbors, the acquaintances and the favorite book club buddies.
There are friends that you have recently been introduced to and with whom you have found so much in common - like traveling or gardening or reading. Or blogging! I have some of these. And some have become very very close.
There are the ones that you met when your children were little and they grew up together. You went to countless functions together and had a blast watching your kids grow up. There are the ones that have known you since you were young. I have a some of these, too.
There are the ones that came to your aid in a particularly hard time in your life. If you have experienced traumatic or sudden grief or illness, you know that sometimes this rearranges your address book. And it’s then that the most unexpected friendships blossom. I have fewer of these, but they are special.
And then there are those that can finish your sentences. They know your favorite color and your favorite thing to eat, and all the hilarious, horrible quirks you possess. They know where “all the bodies are buried.” I still have a few of these.
Friendships ebb and flow and sometimes you grow apart, simply because you no longer have things in common. But the ones I just mentioned, are steady, are always there and would drop everything to come help you. And more importantly, they know exactly when to do just that.
And interestingly, some of these best friends can be the new ones. I now have new ones that I can add to that category and I bet you do too.
It’s hard to navigate friendships through the years. Just because you have a long history with someone, doesn’t mean that there is depth to the relationship. And that’s the difference between acquaintances and friends. The depth of the relationship. When someone drifts away from you, or you them, maybe there wasn’t as much depth to the friendship as you thought there was?
That might be sad or hurtful to one of the friends, but maybe it’s just not meant to be. I think some of us - me included sometimes - have idealized ideas of what real friendship should be. Or maybe our expectations are too high? Maybe both. There aren’t many duos who have never had a disagreement or where one has never fallen short of the other. Whitten was a high-maintenance friend and I have the feeling that I may be as well. We both expect(ed) a lot - maybe too much?
Sometimes, we seek out a friendship with another, and even though it feels like you are true friends for a time, the relationship begins to skew and becomes unbalanced. One is putting in way more effort than the other. Phone calls and texts go unanswered. Plans are broken. And we all know that you make time for those who matter. (Or is that expectation too high?) Maybe we are yearning for depth in this friendship, that just isn’t there, but we don’t want it to end as acquaintances. So we have an ache in our heart about it. Most of us have had a friendship like this.
I think the best thing you can do in this situation, is to wish them well and to stop setting yourself up for hurt. Some friendships end with a dramatic stop, but others just peter out over time. They just drift away. When this happens, you must then enjoy friendships with those who want to be around you. It takes an effort from both people to maintain a friendship through life’s ups and downs.
I spend a lot of time by myself these days and have time to contemplate, and I feel like even the best among us are somewhat self-absorbed, and have a hard time thinking of what our friends are feeling. I think it’s just the culture - so much to do and so little time. So many opportunities.
Sometimes you just have to make sure your friends know you are thinking of them. The new ones that you saw last week, and the old ones that you haven’t seen in months.
The Friendship ball
This is a silver plated English friendship ball that my friend and I have been giving back and forth for probably 25 years. We fill it with goodies and leave it in each other’s mailbox.
“A ball is a circle, no beginning no end. It keeps us together like our circle of friends.
The treasure inside for just you to see, is the treasure of friendship you’ve granted to me.”
How many friendships have we had by the time we are in our 60’s? Not all of them ended well and some just petered out, but many are still going strong! My 88 year old mom still has lunch with her 3 friends from kindergarten!
I hope that by this season in your life, you have enough of all these different kinds of friendships, that you feel loved and understood. Find time to cultivate your friendships, old and new. Make time for who matters.
I have a lot of mixed metals these days and I love all of them. They are each different and unique and bring some special wonder to my life. Some are silver and the others gold. Do you have more golden or silver friends?
**Note - I should’ve put this in here earlier on - I forgot to add it.
I took notes on an article I read in the Richmond Times Dispatch years ago, that summed up my feelings at that time. Those notes were referenced when writing this.
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Next up on the blog is an update on the River House - what has been done inside and out since the house was lifted last year.